Of Smorlettes and Secrets
by itstoppedoctober1st
Summary: Inspired by this prompt found on castlefanficprompts: "You can't love someone until you love yourself." "Bullshit. I have never loved myself, but you? Oh, God. I loved you so much I forgot what hating myself felt like." Post 5x10. Castle and Beckett talk after Meredith leaves.


Of Smorlettes and Secrets

* * *

Beckett walks out of the bedroom, carrying the small duffel she's been using to carry her belongings between her own apartment and the loft and immediately grimaces. "Castle, what is that smell? It smells like burnt chocolate and .. eggs?"

As he plates his concoction and places it on the counter in front of him, Castle turns to his girlfriend. "I told you, I made you a smorlette! You have to try it, Beckett, you're going to love it!" He motions to one of the chairs. "Please? We didn't get much time together while you were staying here because of the case and Meredith and everything. So before you run back home, just stay and eat with me?"

Beckett's face drops at the mention of his first ex-wife as she places the duffel near the door and heads over to join her partner at the counter. "Yeah, I suppose I can stay for a little bit. But speaking of Meredith?"

Castle interrupts before she has the chance to finish her thought. "What about her? She's gone now so it's safe to stay here for tonight. And Alexis seems better too." He sees the sheepish look on her face and changes his tone. "Why so serious, Beckett? What's going on?"

"Castle," Beckett starts tentatively. "Rick. I might have said something stupid to Meredith when she was leaving."

Castle turns to look at her, puzzled. "What are you talking about, Beckett? Everything seemed perfectly fine when she left."

"I asked her why your marriage failed. Only, as soon as the words left my mouth, I realized that I was asking the wrong person. I should really have just asked you from the beginning. So now," she takes a deep breath and looks down. "I'm asking."

"Really? That's what you were so afraid of telling me?"

"Well, she said it was because you knew everything about her and she didn't know you at all. And it just made me think: is that how we are too? I mean, you've been following me around for more than four years. You've based books on me. You've seen me fall down the rabbit hole of my mom's case. But sometimes I feel like I don't know nearly that much about you. It just feels like there's potential for history to repeat itself. And I don't want that to be the reason our relationship fails too."

Castle's mouth drops, astonished. He grabs her hand and leads her to the living room, gesturing for her to sit on the couch as he settles himself next to her. "Beckett, no. Trust me, that is not an issue here. Did Meredith really know me? Probably not. Because if she had known me, she probably would have realized that cheating on me would be the last straw to send her packing and finally end our sham of a marriage. But the truth is, we were doomed from the start." He pauses and looks carefully at her, gauging her readiness for him to keep going before deciding to change the direction of his story.

"You know, I saw one of those motivational posters in a used bookstore once.'You can't love someone until you love yourself.' That may have been true in my other relationships, but now? Bullshit. Sometimes I feel like I have never loved myself, but you? Oh, God. I loved you so much I forgot what hating myself felt like."

"Castle, what exactly are you saying?" Her confused eyes search his for answers.

"Beckett, when we met? I was out of ideas, I was divorced again, my mother had just moved in with me. I was a man on the verge of breaking just trying to hold it together day by day for the sake of my daughter. So I spent most of my time acting like a jackass in public and watching everyone fawn all over me anyway. But you? You treated me exactly like I deserved to be treated. And that was the first thing that made me fall a little bit in love with you. And it turns out, loving you was what really made me love myself again."

Beckett watched him carefully, looking for any signs of her partner's usual tendencies to hide his feelings with sarcasm and misdirection. She found nothing but raw honesty staring back at her.

"So when Meredith says I never opened up to her? Yes, she's probably right. Because my relationship with Meredith wasn't real. If it hadn't have been for Alexis, Meredith probably would have been a passing fling at a time when my priorities weren't really in order. But I wanted Alexis to have a family, two parents to love and care for her, the chance to have the security that I never had. So I married her and I tried to make that our life. I just realized a little too late that was never in the cards for us."

Beckett reaches forward and intertwines his fingers in hers as the weight of his words washes over her.

"Castle, I meant it when I said that Meredith's stories about you made me like you a little bit more. Because they made me realize how much you've grown since that divorce. Since we started working together even. So everything you've been through? All your supposed secrets? Just made you into this man today, this man that I love."

He leans in and gently presses his lips to her. "I've loved three women in my life, Beckett. Unfortunately, none of them were my ex-wives. My mother, Alexis … and you. No one else earned the right to those secrets until you. So the way that I see it? We've got the rest of our lives to learn each other's stories. And that sounds just fine to me." He cups her chin gently and steals one more kiss before jumping up. "Now come on, you really have to try this."

Beckett's eyes light up as she stands up and grins at him. "Castle, it is going to take the rest of our lives to convince me to try that thing. Especially now that it's cold. Remy's instead?" She heads for the front door before turning back toward him. "Then maybe I'll let you try to convince me to stay here another night."

Castle's feigned disappointment quickly breaks as he follows after her. "Oh, Beckett, just wait till you hear what I've got up my sleeve." He opens the front door and ushers her out, his animated voice fading down the hall as the front door shuts behind him.

And Beckett's duffle remains unmoved and untouched next to the front closet, until it returns to Castle's bedroom to be unpacked later that night.

* * *

Just a little thing that came to me to celebrate the Rory to my Lorelai, and the best overall person I know. Happy birthday Mar!

Many thanks to Rach for pinch hitting on this and to everyone for reading.

This one's not much, but I'd still love to hear your thoughts.


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